Something From Nothing
Making my way out of the swirl.
I’m going to just write today. I need a way out of the downward swirl. I want to feel good about something and stay away from all the bad out there. If I were my eight year old self again, I’d be sitting in the corner of my closet with a book.
Reading saved me as a kid. It was an approved way to spend my time on a hot summer day. Sitting in the shade, on the neighbors porch, reading Nancy Drew. It still helps me, reading a ‘cozy’ mystery. You know the genre’, where the female character solves the mystery, maybe with the help of a few friends, the criminal gets caught and they all go out to celebrate.
Oh, how I wish the world really worked that way all the time. Don’t you?
Now instead of escaping into my closet or the next door neighbors patio, I walk. I take my grandson to the park to play. I lean on the trees in the woods nearby. I bake with my husband. I make things out of clay. And I crochet with no pattern.
Right now, I’m in the ‘finishing’ phase in the studio. This is the part that makes my nerves all jangled. It’s not just that it’s the end of the making, which I love, but it’s the beginning of the booming inner critic’s voice. You know what I mean?
“Oh this will never sell.”
“What were you thinking?”
“Who is going to want a sunflower with a face?”
“It’s not a perfect flower, you know.”
“This is does not look even close to a real bird.”
Yeah. My inner critic is a nasty bitch. I really should fire her.
Believe me, I’ve tried.
But she just keeps coming back to work.
And she gets even louder when I’m filling out forms to enter a show.
That’s my next step. One I dread, too. Filling out the application form. Downloading the images. Hoping that my iPad will cooperate with the venue’s computer. Then, of course, is the wait. Acceptance or Rejection? It always feels like I’m putting myself into a revolving door over which I have no control.
Sigh. Why do I put myself through all this, you might ask? Good Question.
I love seeing things in the sky, the trees, the flowers and letting my imagination flow. I love clay. I love painting. I love making something from nothing.
I do it because I love what I see.
And, I want others to see what I love.
And I think we all need to see more love around us.
Hi Susan,
I love what I see from you.
Ah that inner critic. Definitely fire her. I have one too, and I have to put her voices, the ones that tell me that my art is no good, on hold. Not an easy task.
As you know, it's so important to love what we do, and I admire your versatility in art -- crocheting, painting, throwing clay, etc. Your work is beautiful and hang in there through your current process. I remember you writing about how this is so nerve-wracking.
I so hope for peace in this world. I also miss the days when I could just read for hours.
Keep doing it! It is your joie de vivre, and you need more of it, not less. I admire your work and your willingness to keep going on despite that noisy inner critic. As Liz Gilbert says, she's allowed in the car but can't grab the wheel.